Stop lying to me!

Do you constantly have the feeling that you’ve been had? Like when others make you accept something that they believe to be the right thing? But you realise at some point that right does not necessarily mean true?

That means that what you once believed as right was not true all along. They were all lies.

And you would not have believed in them if you were left to decide on them for yourself. But you couldn’t because others led you into believing they were true.

That means, if you were left to your own devices, you would see the following truths from such lies . . .

• Experience is not wisdom.

• Advice is not instruction.

• Opinions are not judgment.

• Impressions are not definitions.

• Problems are not persecution.

• Blame is not a solution.

• Opposition is not subversive.

• Preventive is not oppressive.

• Consequences are not fate.

• Preferences are not about hate.

• Sincerity is not conditional.

• Generosity holds no collateral.

• Courtesy is not hypocrisy.

• Idiosyncrasy is not idiocy.

• Acknowledgement is not recognition.

• Attainment is different from achievement.

• Memory retention is not intelligence.

• Stupidity is not ignorance.

and,

• Ignorance is not incurable.

You know you need to lose weight when . . .

I’ve always been cautious about my weight.  It’s because of the 3 Cs that I have to do so – calories, cholesterol and coronary.  And that can all go wrong because of another 3 Cs – culinary, complacency and carelessness.

Trouble is I don’t have the patience, stamina or endurance to stick to a regular regime in order to keep my Body Mass within its proper recommended Index.  So I’m in constant need of cautionary indicators for whenever I’m ballooning in a bad way.

Hence, these signs that I’d like to share with those of similar predicament and concern.


You know you need to lose weight when . . .

– neckties no longer hang straight down but stay on one side of your paunch.

– little kids get close to you for shade from the sun.

– you keep walking into glass walls while too preoccupied trying to prove that your elongated reflection was due to distortion.

– you have to turn long vertical mirrors on its side for a truer image of yourself.

– faces on your tee shirt stretch to a smile every time you wear them.

– we need to go round you to see what your tee-shirts are saying.

– you keep adjusting your hair in parked motorcycle mirrors because you’re too embarrassed that you can’t squeeze between them.  Or they will fall like dominoes if you do.

– you have to go back to wearing horizontal stripes because vertical ones look like a prisoner has escaped through the bars when you wear them.

– acupuncture makes you look like a whale trying to disguise itself as a porcupine.

– you believe all houses with wooden staircases are haunted because your weight presses them down so much that they take time to snap back and sound like footsteps.

– every staircase you climb reminds you of your visit to Batu Caves.

– mosquitoes withdrawing their proboscis from your skin is like trying to draw out the Sword In The Stone whenever they sting you.

– your car seats are bucket seats to everyone else but you.

– you stop asking if your butt looks big but ask where does your butt begin.

You know you’re a foodie when . . .

I’ve always said that I eat simply because of a constant debilitating ailment.  Hunger.  So to me eating is simply to fulfill a functional necessity.  Flavour and texture merely adds delight to the experience.  Nothing more.  Food is simply fuel to drive me through other much more diverse experiences of life.

However, many folks that I’ve come by are way beyond such fundamentals.  For them food has become a choice way of life. Lifestyles evolve from it.  Family and social lives revolve around it.  They’ve developed philosophies with it.  Enjoyment behooves everything else about it.  Heightened pleasures are derived by getting off on it.

So how do I identify such folks?  Well, before I proceed, I should say that I originally called foodies food-a-philes.  However, sensitive souls whose worldview only recognise the philia associated with the deviant obsession of children find it offensive.  Despite there being shitloads of other philias in the human condition.  Nevertheless, foodie is their very own moniker of choice.  So who am I to disregard such pride of the pack.

Btw, proper philia for food is cibophilia.  Not to be confused with sitophilia or sitiophilia – those have sexual connotations in the mix.  And I’ve not met anyone who is open about that – though I suspect many in the closet with it.

So!

You know you’re a foodie when . . .

•       you don’t stop eating when you’re full.  You stop when you hate yourself.

•       you can’t help but talk about food while you’re having a meal.

•       you can’t help but talk about the next meal even while you’re still having dessert after the present one.

•       you explain to others that your constant snacking is merely succumbing to the urge to munch.  But still swallow through all that has been munched.

•       asking someone what they had for their meal is the only conversation starter that truly interest you.

•       you hear about celebrations and you desperately need to know what was being served, right down to the last flavour.

•       you can’t decide on your impression of a person until you know their food preferences and/or eating habits.

•       you’re not interested in much else about a person apart from their food preferences and/or eating habits.

•       you reply “buffet” when asked what dish would best describe yourself.

•       you can’t place Mexico on the map, but you know your guacamole.

•       you are the bane of Customs Authority for countries with strict regulations about bringing in food, such as Australia, because you insist on bringing in your own foodstuff.

•       your adventures to foreign land are curtailed by your concern that you won’t be getting the food you desire when there, and not much else. [For binary-minded foodies.]

or,

•       your adventures to foreign land will revolve around the food you look forward to having when there.  And not much else. [For foodies who think themselves as liberal-minded.]

•       your daily vacation itinerary revolves around the time you need to get back to the service apartment in order to prepare meals.  Three times a day.

•       your children learned to walk faster because their pushchair is always being used to taxi the family snacks.

•       your social life revolves around meals with pals or family just so you could be around more varieties of food to order.  Hence, more varieties for you to pick around the table and sample.  And of course more people to talk food with.

•       the high point of your self esteem is every time someone agrees with your opinion or recommendation on a dish.  Especially popular with impressing kids.

•       you have a need to follow up every food recommendation with calling in immediately before a personal site forensic investigation.

•       you move on to diet versions of food and drinks only so you could have more of them while displaying health consciousness, care and concern.

•       even McDonalds have annual food events you find worth tweeting and texting about.

•       all your daily meals consists consistently of similar servings or portions.  E.g., nasi lemak for breakfast, nasi berlauk for lunch, nasi pulut for tea, nasi kandar for dinner, nasi goreng for supper.
[For non-local readers, “nasi” is simply rice.  That’s all you need to know.  The rest are just variations on the theme.]