99.98% Alcohol-free

In my younger days,  I never consumed alcohol probably more or less for the same reasons youngsters at that age never took to downing the proverbial firewater – the Divine Prohibition in religion. At an earlier age it was just adherence to blind faith that could easily have been broken upon because there was never any valid reasons given behind it. But as soon as I bore witness of those who do, I decided objectively and unequivocally that booze is definitely not for me; as soon as they cross the threshold of civil drinking into the paroxysm of assholicity, the jury’s decision is final– booze ain’t the bitchen bitch they make it out to be.

Ironically, because I don’t drink and am not tight assed about it that I can’t be within splash distance from a drop of alcohol, I end up being a regular boozers companion. Apart from being an inexpensive drinking buddy and the obvious designated driver, I’m also a boozers bestest friend in the whole world when they’re shit-faced. I’m the one they’ll get up close and personal to, all flustered with spit and alcohol fumes, ready to clue me in on the meaning/miseries of life; whichever one it is, they’ll insist I’m the luckier one for it. Yeah I would be, because between us I’ve still got control over my faculties and even if I don’t blow out chunks of my insides soon, I won’t be waking up underneath furniture or around bathroom tiles with a desert of fur for a mouth and a tympani where a head should be.

Of course I still get jeers and taunts by purveyors of good feelings fueled by fermented nectar of the sods; especially hollow heads who consider alcohol consumption the epitome of higher culture or civilization. My answer is simply that a person of my disposition who tends to do things to the extreme is just not good for such vices; I would have very high slosh potential if I started and could easily end up a drunkard as easily as I ended up a chain-smoker once in a lifetime before.

However, that answer is not deemed worthy of their respect; they really want to get in on the religion angle. Then I’ll just have to bring to their realisation that any religion that has a ban or admonishment for alcoholic drinks is merely banning the only beverage in the world that requires legalization.

It’s the only beverage that prerequisites a legal drinking age; it’s the only one that has a roadworthy driving legal limit; sales of it is regulated and requires a license; open consummation of it is not globally allowed; nations made attempts to prohibit it; and I won’t even begin to go into social crimes and issues that are directly related to it. To none of the aforementioned would you find any parallel with the widespread consumption of say, caffeine – of which no religion has been known to ban. But of course to hollow heads who need to fill their volume with booze, that only applies to others and it could never be them – they are the apogee of human restraint; which is probably what a DUI driver would have thought to have gotten into their vehicle after a ‘coupla’ glasses.